Writing has been difficult lately. Usually the words flow from my fingers like water over Niagara Falls. The problem isn’t the words though. There are billions of words that rush through my mind. Trillions of thoughts. Millions of stories to share. The writing though, it’s a struggle I’m not really used to.
It’s not writers block. Any writer knows those times will come and go.. I know exactly what the real issue here is.
I’m awaiting perfection. Yes, just as though I were expecting it to fall from the sky onto the blank page. Believe it or not, but it’s not happening for me so far!
My focus has changed since I’ve created this blog. I used to not care much about the actual posts. Well, I cared, but they were for me. To tell my stories. To share my hurts. To battle my demons.
Now, I wish them to be for you. To help you. To guide you. To make you think and question and understand.
Each story that comes to mind I fear won’t be good enough. There’s a better way that will get more people to “feel” the post. There’s a better story. I keep looking up, but all that falls from the sky is rain.
It’s hard to decipher if a story will have the same changes in you that it had in me. Maybe it was more than the single event that changed me. Maybe it was a string of events. A snowball effect of all the lessons that have build up as I’ve tumbled my way though life. Maybe I’m sharing too little. Maybe too much… Maybe, my readers won’t understand the lesson I so desperately want to reach them with.
I’ve been frozen by the fear of imperfection, and the worst part is that I know better. I know you just have to put yourself out there. Over and over again until you get it right. Knowing and doing are such different things though.
Maybe there are stages to this whole blogging thing. Stages of desire as to what you want from blogging. Stages of growth. Stages of dreams and goals and passions.
I’ve been blogging since wayyyy back before it was “cool”. Before that I scribbled the words that flowed from my mind into journals. I truly can’t remember a time that writing wasn’t a part of my life.
I love that people relate to the words I’ve typed over the years. I don’t have a large following according to some, but to me, nearly 200 people that were interested enough in my ramblings to follow along is a big deal. Shoot, it’s a big deal to me when even one person is interested in my ramblings.
I want more than that though. I want more than people whom relate to my words. I want people to feel my words. To take my words out into the day with them. I want my words to create change in others hearts. I no longer want to simply be understood. I want to inspire!
I think that I’ve stepped into the next stage of desire for blogging. I want to succeed.
But where do I go from here? How do I get there? Do I want to take my faithful readers along or start a fresh new blog with a fresh new direction? How do I go from point A to point Z? What if I get lost along the way? What if, I’m merely going in circles and never truly leave point A? What if… i’m just not good enough?
I’ve read all the “how to” blogging articles. Okay, maybe not ALL of them, but likely a good majority. I know how to get there. I know that all I need to do is take that step. And then the next step. And then the step after that.
That is what has me frozen. The picture of what will be compared to the picture of what is. I sit twirling a stone in my hand wanting to build an empire… but all I can see is an empty field.