It’s easy to write in the hard times. Things just flow. Words scream out from broken hearts and onto the page. The good times though, those times it can be more difficult to form the passionate words so easily found before.
Right now times are neither good nor bad. They simply are. It might be because of the growth I’ve found in sharing openly most of what my daily life entails. I’ve grown to listen more and face what I must face in the moment, letting all other moments fade. It is what it is. It doesn’t always have to be good or bad. It just is.
I’ve been a busy bee since I’ve last written. My previous post a rushed not fully formed vomit of my current state of mind, which has taken on a realist approach lately. In a way it’s a little odd. I’ve either been consumed with depression and pessimism which I greatly dislike, or on an emotional high where everything is rainbows and butterflies until I crash again. I seldom, if ever, have looked at things so simplistic. It’s refreshing, to say the least.
I’ve recently went through my round of doctors. My new primary doctor, my pain clinic doctor, as well as my medical marijuana doctor. All are finally on the same page and working together to best treat my health issues. After this past year I’ve grown a much deeper appreciation for this team of people in my life. I couldn’t be more grateful for the ones I currently have.
The new meds that my primary doctor put me on a few weeks ago seem to be working well. No more insane salt cravings. A blessing all it’s own. I also contribute much of my current state of mind to the new pill she added for my depression and anxiety. I actually feel, normal. This makes dealing with everything else so much easier, to say the least.
The pain clinic did take me off of the Norco’s, a requirement by the government once one obtains their medical marijuana liscence. They can’t let you have too much fun after all.
In reality, I don’t really care. The Norco’s were no longer providing me any relief, only further adding to any damage taken on by my kidneys. They also added a nerve pill, the best layman’s name for it I can come up with. This new pill helps with the pain created by the nerves, which doctors say is where the majority of my pain is now coming from. After being told to take it before bed to start out so that I sleep though most of the severe side effects I’ve stalled starting said pill. But I’ll get to it. It’s only been a day or two of procrastination.
The pain clinic doctor officially pulled me off of work. As grateful as I was that she finally had proof that I was having as difficult of a time trying to work as I was telling her. I was less thrilled with her actual proof though. The results of that awful MRI I was forced to undergo were in. Every single level of my neck shows some form of herniated discs. I’ve lost the natural curvature of my neck. And all those herniated discs are putting a good deal of pressure on the nerves that run through them. They referred me for surgery.
Suddenly, that MRI didn’t sound so bad any more.
Still on the to do list is to meet with the surgeon for a consultation and to follow up on the labs my primary doctor pulled.
Thankfully my official work release means that I will begin receiving wage loss pay from the car insurance company again. Who knows when I’ll actually receive it, but it at least relieves some of the stress added by my loss of income. I’ve also been seriously contemplating applying for disability. Not as a sign of defeat, but as a means to best meet my health needs. I’ve been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease exasberrated by trauma caused by the accident. I know that this is not a simple fix. That it will not just heal and go away. That there is no true easy fix that will ever rid me of my pain. It is what it is. Now I must face what is.
I no longer have any negative or positive feelings about it. It simply is and now I must handle what is the best way I can.
It can be difficult to not give up when being dealt a card such as this one. For awhile I think that is exactly what I was doing. I fought against it so hard trying to just go back to the life I had before. I never opened my eyes to make the best of this new way I’ve been handed. It just took a little change of perspective to realize that I had been fighting the wrong battle all this time.
I no longer doubt or question God’s plan for me. It just is what it is.