Yesterday I hit publish on WordPress, closed my tablet case down, and continued debating my next move for another minute or two.
I wanted nothing more than to stay where I was, laying on my back with my arms up under my head staring at the ceiling fan go round and round. Thoughts ran through my mind and I let them go as easily as they came. Not questioning. Not dwelling. Simply letting them be the fleeting thoughts that they were.
As comfortable as I was in the only position I had found that eased my pain for a moment, a part of me knew that I could not let the day waste away. For one day becomes two and before you know it an entire lifetime has passed by while you’re laying there staring at a ceiling fan.
I got up and started the washer. Packed up a large garbage bag full of clothes and a few miscellaneous items and had the hubby put it in the car to donate to a local Goodwill. I made the bed, wiped down the dresser, and washed the windows. I vacuumed, thanks to our indoor/outdoor like carpet making this a task I am still able to do.
It’s hard wanting to get things done. There’s so much I can’t do without asking for help. As time has passed I’ve been able to ask for help more readily, a thing that does not come easy to me. It’s still difficult though. I’ve learned that I don’t have a great deal of patience when it comes to getting things done. I ask my husband to carry the garbage bag out to the car and am left starring at it until he gets the time or motivation to do so. Nagging doesn’t help. Typically I’d just do it myself because I want it done, but that is no longer an option for me. I am simply left starring, waiting for said item to be done.
It must be difficult for him too. For thirteen years he’s known me as the girl who never let anything stop her. Now a simple garbage bag or laundry basket full of dirty clothes has the ability to do me in for the day.
Yesterday began very rough. Half a day slipped by as I argued with myself to take a shower. The other half though, that half left me with a clean room. One small decision after another. Do I lay here in bed or do I put the clothes from the washer into the dryer? Do I curl up and go to sleep or do I wash the window? More than a clean room though, I found peace of mind. I did the best I could with each moment, each decision. By the end of the day, rather than still laying in the same bed staring at the same ceiling fan watching another day fade into history, I sat out at the bonfire watching the flames flicker and tangle with each other, listening to the kids laughter as they played.
That’s all we really have. It doesn’t matter if we are battling depression, or chronic pain, or heartbreak. No matter what enemy we are facing, we only have each moment. In each moment we have a choice. A choice to succumb to the enemy in defeat or a choice to take one single step forward, each step becoming easier than the last.