‘There it was,’ Audrina thought to herself, ‘he had read the pages she had hidden for so long.’
Yes. Aaron had found the pages of the book Audrina had been working on. Pages filled with a despairing lust over a man who wasn’t him.
“It’s all about Rodney,” he stated. The only opinion of his she would hear of her writing. She knew he was referring to all of her writing and she thought it was unfair that he seemed to only ever read the pages that truly were talking about Rodney.
It was simply a story. She used some of her real life scenarios to build the setting. Then she tied in old feelings and events to bring Rodney into the picture. Eventually the story would reveal a ravishing affair staring the main female character and the character who she had used Rodney to portray. There would be a calculated murder scene where Aaron schemed against the female lead and the male character who stole the intimacies of his wife. In the end Aaron would be left standing outside his front porch, the children happily playing in the background of the closing scene, his wife and her lover buried beneath the house, beneath the cement, beneath the dirt, as he set down the letter that he had worded so carefully of how they ran away together never to be seen again.
Of course, none of it was true. It was a tangled mess of truth and lie to twist the readers into the depths of her plot. She knew though that she had used too much truth to bother telling Aaron otherwise. It didn’t really matter anyway. She had stopped writing the story long ago. Back when she got sick of writing about Rodney. Back when she realized she could likely never finish a story that portrayed feelings for a man she so long ago stopped feeling.
Besides, it was just her stupid writing. Just like her stupid movies and her stupid TV shows, and every other thing she ever showed an interest in. To Aaron, it was all just stupid. Her interests didn’t matter. They weren’t allowed validation. They weren’t his interests.
As she supported his love of martial arts and motocross and guitar playing she wondered why it was so difficult for him to realize that she was separate from him. Her own person. With her own likes and dislikes and interests.
She liked reading and writing and art. He didn’t. He didn’t like having books in the house. What a waste of space. A waste of time. Just watch the movie instead. It didn’t matter any way. He had killed her interest in reading a long long time ago. She had lost her interest in many things she had once loved so much. She had lost so many pieces of herself along the way. But… she had him.
Audrina sipped her coffee and lit another cigarette.
She wondered a lot lately about different things. In different ways than she ever had before. She took note of how others treated her, reacted to her or the events that surrounded them. More so though, she took note of how she reacted to the people and things that surrounded her. How she showed Aaron that she valued his interests, for no other reason than that he was interested in them. She took note of how he took the time to read her writing, even if he found a way of finding only the writing that talked about Rodney. How he disliked reading so much, yet took the time to read hers. Maybe, maybe he didn’t think her interests were so stupid after all.
She thought about all the things she would change about Aaron if she could. He’d be so much nicer when talking to her. Respectful. Less degrading. He’d show her affection and occasionally do something sweet for her just to let her know he cared. When they were intimate he’d make her feel like he desired her. He wanted her. His hands would encompass her body in a passion driven by his love for her. He’d listen to her. Really listen. Not just to dig out the things he could use against her later. Most of all, he’d just love her. Love her for all that she was.
She knew though that she couldn’t change him. She couldn’t change what he had done to her in the past. The way he put her down. The way he twisted things and turned everything on her. It was her fault she had cheated on him. She had done him wrong. Ironically it was also her fault he cheated on her. Though he’d never admit it, she knew it went on far longer than he’d ever tell. She remembered all the times that woman had their phone number and knew where they lived. How she had the cd with all the songs that happened to be saved on her computer. Though she also knew if she brought it up, if she told him the things that ran through her head when they tried to be intimate weren’t their current stresses but all the things he had done before. All the lies he had told her. All the promises he had broken. All the cruel words he had said. She knew it wouldn’t matter though. He’d just turn it around into how she needed to let things go. How she couldn’t handle the truth. How she was flawed. Not him. No. Aaron had no flaws.
It didn’t matter though. None of it really mattered. It wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about what he needed to change or even if he would ever change.
It was about her. How she reacts. She thought about the words she said to others. The actions she displayed. She thought about how she didn’t always handle things the best way. Didn’t always do unto others as she’d like done unto her. She wondered just how much Aaron might think the very same things about her that she thought about him. She wondered if she wasn’t so innocent after all.
The past was the past. Just as he couldn’t change the things he had done and said to her, she also couldn’t change her own past faults. This was about now. This was about her. Audrina was growing. She was maturing. She could feel it, and one thing she knew for sure. The one thing she had learned. The one thing she could change, was herself.
Maybe, maybe if she learned to love herself again, Aaron might find a way to love her too.