I’ve sat staring at this blank page for awhile now. I guess that’s what happens in the wee hours of morning when you should be sleeping but your brain is twirling a mirage of thoughts throughout your head. Typically I’d just spat them all out at you, hit publish, and tuck myself in to bed.
But not this time.
This time, they’re frustrating thoughts. Tired thoughts. Negative thoughts. Thoughts I’d rather not be twirling about my mind.
Yet there they are.
Naturally, I blame my husband. (I’m a wife, who else am I supposed to blame?!)
I guess really though, it’s not so much his fault. I’m the one that takes on so much responsibility and rarely speaks up when it’s due. I imagine you’re all good and confused by now. Rest assured, so am I.
I met with the neurosurgeon today… uh, yesterday. Long story short; the spine in my neck is straight rather than curved, two of my vertebrae in my neck are deteriorated the point of pinching the nerves, and they presumed I’d be a perfect candidate for surgery.
Lucky for me they changed their game plan after speaking with me.
My pain isn’t in my neck, it’s in my back. Most of the time. Due to not having the tell tale signs of pinched nerves they decided to opt for trying out a few other things before recommending surgery. I couldn’t be happier about that, but I can’t help but wonder if that weird feeling in my arm is the tingling I told them I didn’t feel.
I’m still opting for going along with the other suggestions before surgery.
I forgot to ask if a chiropractor would hurt or help. I forgot to ask what I could expect in the future. I forgot to ask what I could do at home to improve. I asked one question and the answer made me forget all the rest as though they had never really mattered.
“Would you recommend my returning to work?” I asked, first and foremost when the appropriate time arrived.
It was the most words I had ever heard spoken to state a simple no. The no was anything but simple though.
The no meant telling my boss she was holding my spot for nothing. The no meant telling my co-workers that they might as well forget looking forward to me coming back. The no meant telling myself that I couldn’t just sweep this under the rug and forget about it, no matter how desperately I had been trying to. The no meant telling my husband I wouldn’t be returning to work next week.
My husbands sick of feeling broke all the time. I understand. We used to live paycheck to paycheck. We used to go a couple days every week being broke until the next paycheck rolled around.
Now we get a monthly check every six weeks. By the time the insurance agency issues it and we get it in the mail most of our bills for the month are already late. Rather than going a few days every week, we go a few weeks every month completely, flat, broke.
He hates it. I hate it. For no better use of words, it sucks. And every time my return to work gets delayed, he mentions again how much we can’t do this once a month crap.
Because I have so many other options.
Sometimes I want to scream at him! I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until his eyes roll.
It’s really not that big of a problem. Sure, it sucks being broke at the end of the month for weeks. It sucks being stuck home because we have no gas. It sucks having to reschedule appointments because we have no way to get there. It sucks when we need something, our kids need something, and all we can do is add it to the list of things we’ll get when “the check” comes.
But for crying out loud it’s not that damn bad. Our bills are paid. We’re not sitting here broke worrying about foreclosures and electricity shut offs. Sure, because the insurance company wants to take as long as possible to send out the check we are paying shut offs rather than bills, but hey, they’re paid. Our shits not getting shut off on us.
I want to tell him that we have had it SO much worse, SO many times!
Mostly though, I just want him to realize how lucky we really are. And how bad it makes me feel that the best I can do is only good for once a month. And that the ONLY thing really stressing me over this whole thing, is him….
I know he feels miserable that he can’t work. He had a really great job that he loved.
But, I wonder if he realizes that I loved my job too.
I’d rather be working than constantly having an aching back. To feel like I can’t breathe whenever it gets too painful. To have to go to all these doctors and specialists and therapists. To be tossing and turning at night with a mirage of twirling thoughts throughout my mind because I just wish I knew how to make things easier for us.
It’s simple for him to say I should demand the insurance agency issue the check every four weeks like they should, rather than every six weeks like they do. That I should argue over all the things they should be paying for that they aren’t. If only he had went through half of the crap I’ve had to go through to get the little we do get. The mounds of paperwork and phone calls and begging for a doctor to understand pain that they couldn’t see. If only he knew how tired I am of fighting all of their loopholes. How I just don’t have any fight left in me.
Sometimes, I just wish he reacted to me the way that I reacted to him. I wish he saw the glass as half full too.
Mostly though, I wish I could just scream at him and grab him by the shoulders shaking him until his eyes roll!
Really, the guys my partner in crime. I love him like no other. That’s why I don’t scream. I don’t make his eyes roll. (Well, not by force anyway.) I just bite my tongue and swallow my opinions, because the battle isn’t worth it to me.
In the wee hours of the morning as my brain is twirling a mirage of thoughts throughout my head, sometimes I wonder though, if the battle is worth it to him.
The truth is, marriage isn’t always a walk in the park. It’s not all butterflies and rainbows, roses and dinner dates. Marriage is real…
Sometimes, real just happens to suck.