As many of you already know, blogging is my therapy. I mention things that I’d never in a million years tell you to your face and things that I pray that the person they are about (or the one that would be hurt by the information) never come across. This is precisely the number one thing I love and hate about my ‘need’ to blog.
Plus, I’m not completely stupid… I know that my willingness to talk about the untalkable is exactly why my readers are my readers. Really, if I talked about what everyone else talked about y’all would be reading everyone elses blog. Right? Right.
Today will be no different. Today I will talk about the untalkable. The untalkable just so happens to be why I haven’t been mentally equipped to pop out a blog post lately. I’ve been busy. Very busy. Mostly, inside of my own head.
So, awhile ago I was told by someone that meant a lot to me that they needed to remove me from their lives because I simply bring too much drama into theirs.
Of course, I spent awhile in denial over that concept.
I was the complete opposite of the definition of drama. So, I cared about the person? That suddenly makes someone dramatic?
I hated drama. I was the tomboy. I was the one that couldn’t even stand chaos in her home let alone her life. I was the one that removed people from my life for their need to always create drama.
I was NOT someone that needed to be removed for causing drama!
It kept me convinced for awhile too.
Then all this stuff piled up between the hubby having cancer and moving and starting a new job and buying a new house and getting in our accident and losing that new job and recovering from that accident.
It wasn’t even all bad. In fact, hardly any of it was bad. At least not nearly as bad as it could have been. Yet, all together, it overwhelmed me. Plus with the diagnosis of PTSD and after almost having a nervous breakdown months ago, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to reach out and get some professional help.
Ya know, to get through the rough patches and teach me some coping methods to combat my anxiety.
Of course, with the insurance agency doing everything in their power to make it as difficult as possible to receive any money from them, gas money was hard to come by. I ended up looking into some online counseling stuff and signed up for free trial week. (At the price of that online stuff it was cheaper to just drive into the city… of a neighboring country.)
My plan was to get the best use out of my free week as possible. Unfortunately, life had other plans and I got very busy after the first round of messages. But, it did leave me with something intriguing (aside from a handful of unanswered questions).
In the response I received from the counselor that I didn’t get to responding to before my free pass was up, she mentioned her perspective of my, uh, issues, I guess. This is exactly what I wanted her to do. But, I was pretty taken aback by the message I received…
“Why are you holding on to the anxiety and stress of all of it? What coping skills have you used in the past? Is the issue your anxiety or is it what is going on? What is within your control? What can you do to help yourself in this situation? Whatever you “feed” grows. If you feed into your anxiety and worrying it will grow. I think you may be self sabotaging and I think you don’t know how to function if things are not chaotic.Your anxiety is easy to address, but I don’t know if that is the root of your issue.” (shortened for, well, ’cause I wanted to)
Granted, this was written in response to what I had written nearly a month ago now.
I’ve known that what you feed grows, though the reminder was appreciated.
I was even appreciative of her pointing out how I was focusing on the negative rather than the positive (a part that didn’t make the editing cut).
The whole entire reason for me entering into this online counseling bit was precisely to get an outside perspective with honest feedback on what was going on inside. And what did I do with this new found information???
Exactly what I did with the first person who told me I created drama….
Me, self sabotaging?! Never! Me, unable to function without chaos?! Nope, wrong person again!
Now, I had seen these traits in others… but in me? Could that really be true?
And that my friends is what my head has been spinning around for the past few weeks. Observing. Taking note of certain reactions, behaviors, thought processes….
Damn it… this counselor lady might be on to something.
Of course, being aware of an issue is the biggest step in correcting it.
Only got 11 steps left now!