I think that humans are naturally nosy people. We drive by accidents staring so hard that we nearly cause our own. We follow (on social media sites you stalkers!) those who have been diagnosed with crippling diseases or worse, have a child suffering from one. We read a vague post from on our news feeds about trouble and we desperately wonder what’s wrong, despite the fact that we hadn’t seen or talked to the person since high school.
We’re just a nosy crowd.
But, I don’t think it’s a bad thing per say. I believe we are nosy because, in part, it makes us feel better. Huh? I can hear everyone asking. Other peoples ‘bad times’ give us perspective. It allows us to not dwell on our own bad times. It allows us the insight to realize how small our “big” problems really are.
I also believe that we are nosy because God created us to love and care about one another. The world has corrupted this, of course, but it can never quite remove it completely. We stare at accidents and stalk social media sites because deep down, we care and love one another. Plain and simple.
So, with that in mind, I’d love to give all you nosy peeps an update on the recent events of my daily life. Especially since I recently received confirmation that I’m not in fact just going crazy. Which is a huge relief!
As you all know, we recently moved. (and if you didn’t know, you do now!) Due to moving we are unable to get into a primary doctor as a new patient until late October. This has been a bit of a stressor due to my husband’s medical needs and my children are supposed to have their annual check ups in August. I also believe that they NEED to have their check ups to begin school, which starts August 29th. But it was only June, I was busy working, we’d figure something out, somehow, before August. Come on, that’s forever away.
Then we got into the accident and not only did July completely escape us. ( It’s August in two days! Already!!!) But, we also had our medical needs sky rocket. So, in short, I had an extremely difficult time receiving proper medical treatment and trying to do so added to the many frustrations that were already coming at me as fast as the month of August was. (Btw, August is both of our ‘at home’ kiddo’s birthdays, plus back to school shopping, plus when I need to renew my license and tags and such, so it’s always a financially pain in the ass of a month. Every year, without fail.)
Naturally, without having an actual doctor to go to, I suffered through many of my medical needs simply because I had nowhere to go to treat them. Sure, I could have went into the emergency room, but I truly do feel uncomfortable going there consistently over things that I don’t think are that serious of a problem and simply just need some doctors attention. (In retrospect, every time I went to the doctors I was experiencing some type of emergency room qualified condition. But, that’s besides the point.)
On the day of the accident, because I only believe that an extremely low amount of doctors are actually inadequate, I, apparently was not communicating properly what pains I was experiencing. Within three days the pains and discomforts were so intense I was seen again in ER by a different doctor. I was still not able to interpret or communicate in a way that I needed, but was diagnosed with an acute concussion that should easily be gone in a few days to a few weeks. Silly enough as I am, I was still trying to go to work every morning but couldn’t get over the awful feeling that I was about to vomit my toenails out at any second, to be able to make the drive in. By time I was diagnosed I began to understand that I wasn’t going to crawl out of a rolled SUV and go running right back to work. So, I tried every other day.
By the time two and a half weeks had rolled by and I still was only feeling slightly better. (Given, compared to the first week I felt great. But, I was not nearly back on my feet) So by this time I was like, man it’s not right to still be feeling as awful as I do. I need to get into a doctor and find out what’s going on and why I’m not getting better. Unfortunately, I didn’t see this as an emergency situation that deserved an ER visit, and I didn’t have a doctor. So I did what any normal adult in my situation would do. I called my Mommy!
Moooommmmmyyyyy, I’m still sick. I still have a headache and ear pain and neck pain and nausea and can’t sleep and can’t remember shit and, and, and. I don’t have a doctor. I don’t have anywhere to go. WHAT do I DOOOO????!!!
Good ol Mommy, like all good mommy’s, knew exactly what to do. I needed to find an urgent care clinic somewhere in our local vicinity. The one she last knew about I looked into but it had been permanently closed. So with the help of Google, I tracked down a walk in clinic that I figured would serve my purposes just as well.
Before this experience I never quite realized how much I actually noticed, and considered in my overall unconsciously decided evaluation, the actual appearance of a doctor’s office. But, it was evident that a large amount of money didn’t go into the office they rented or leased or owned. But hey, as long as the doctor was good, and they sanitized those medical tools over there… I was good to go. At the end of the visit, I was overall satisfied. Due to what I was told was an unusual amount of walk ins that day and having to verify my car insurance which was much more time consuming then running a medical insurance card through their system, I was not seen until well after walk in hours were done. (They have 3, 1 and a half hour long walk in times each day.) This doctor, who had a waiting room full of patients that were scheduled to be there and was way behind schedule, still took the time to sit and listen to me and “solve” what was going on. This measure of simple respect allotted her office overall approval, despite the rather run down appearance.
I walked away with a new diagnosis of extremely high blood pressure. (For those that know, stage 2 hypertension. At 31 years old, this is pretty uncool, but what are ya gonna do?) I also was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, which made some sense. And, I was ordered a CT Scan (FINALLY!!!) to help determine if my symptoms were caused from my head or my blood pressure or both.
Now, keep in mind that I forget nearly everything that is told to me and what I do remember I have a difficult time interpreting. (This is by far the HARDEST symptom to explain to people, and likely the most frustrating one to experience) I forgot, or was never told, that my car insurance agency needed an updated doctors slip/work slip before they could issue my wage loss check. Now, I have had much more pressing things going on, but I did need that check as it was becoming increasingly difficult to scrape up the gas money to get to doctors and bill paying time of month was creeping ever so closer. Either way, the insurance agency reminded me, or informed me, of this need a day or two AFTER I finally decided that I needed to be seen by a doctor again.
But, no biggy. I called the doctors office up and told them I needed a work slip based on my visit the other day where the doctor heavily implied that I was not to return to work/heavy activity until I saw her again in two weeks. To make things even more fun, I had to immediately call the clinic back because I hung up the phone completely confused with the conversation that had just taken place. The second time I hung up I was pretty sure I had communicated properly what I needed, I thought.
So a few days later (since I didn’t have the gas to be running into town over and over, and I had a scheduled CT Scan nearby the clinics anyways) I went to pick up the note. The note, written by a doctor I had never met, stated I was seen on a day I wasn’t seen and was cleared to return to work. No. No. No. I hadn’t even had my CT Scan at the time this note was written! How in the world could this doctor possibly say it was safe to work?!
As much as I’d love to return to work. As much as my employer has been begging to get me back. As much as the temp agency would love to fill the employers request. That is the most unsafe idea in the world. I am in no condition to work and don’t even feel safe trying. The machines I run have the capacity to virtually destroy my fingers and hands. That’s just not a risk I’m willing to take. Sorry. I like my fingers, they come in handy. (haha, ya caught that one right?)
Anyway, so I turned back around. I went back to the clinic. I walked up to the desk. And I said, something to the effect of I didn’t feel the note was correct in saying it was okay to go to back to work and asked if I could please get a note from ‘insert person I saw name here’. This bitch. And she’s probably not normally a bitch, in fact, I don’t think she is at all. But, at this exact moment, in my mind, she was. So, this bitch, she tells me “Ugh (shoulder drop and ugly facial expressions) a nurse practitioner is NOT going to override what a DOCTOR wrote.” Great, so I didn’t even see a doctor. But that thought hadn’t been processed by my brain yet. “well, is she even okay with this note cause that’s not what she told me when i saw her?” This bitch, again, walked away from her desk, behind a little wall in the front office for no more than five seconds before returning to me and saying yup she said its fine to go back to work.
Now, keep in mind that my brain is not working. Well, not correctly nor as quickly as it should. So, I didn’t think to take my butt into ER and get the note I needed, or to sit in the clinic as a walk in, go back in and see the ‘nurse practitioner’ and get an appropriate note. I, point blank, had no clue what to do but to go home and be frustrated about it.
So I went home. I submitted the note to the insurance with a note explaining the obvious issues with the note and that I did not feel comfortable with it and was seeking a second opinion. After the insurance agency contacted the temp agency informing them of the note they called me back and told me that they are only paying wage loss up to the date that note released me and that they “highly suggest I just go back to work already”.
If it kills me or not, apparently.
Now, I was pissed that they contacted the temp agency informing them of this note before allowing me time to get a second opinion. Why? Because, the employer is BEGGING for me to come back. The temp agency and I are in extremely good standing. I know, for a fact, that as long as the employer has openings, I have a job the second I’m ready to come back. But, not if they think I’m just bullshitting them. How dare this insurance bitch put my work reputation on the line like that!
High levels of irritation are also a common symptom… if you hadn’t gathered.
If I could emotionally react, I would have bawled my eyes out in frustration. No body was understanding it. No body was getting it. Every body was saying just go back to work. Maybe I should. Maybe I’m just fucking crazy. Maybe, it doesn’t even matter if something is really wrong. Maybe, no body really gives a flying fuck as long as I’m paying their bills, as long as I’m making the products they need, as long as their not covering my wage losses. Maybe, whatever is wrong with my head just doesn’t really matter and I should just shut the fuck up and suffer through it and pray to God I don’t lose a finger, or worse, in the process.
As unbelievable as it is, the anxiety from this situation caused my symptoms to flare up so intensely that I couldn’t even call the temp agency back as it began harassing me to return to work.
The cool part, for you guys, is that you guys get to hear what’s inside my head. The people out here, outside of this little screen that you and I share, they don’t get that. Similarly to me not being able to interpret others emotional cues, I also don’t seem to display my own. Or maybe I can’t interpret how to properly display my own. Either way, I could be having an irrational meltdown inside of my head, and will be speaking to you in a calm, confused of course, almost mono-tone matter. This DOES NOT mean I’m not feeling, the parts of my brain that convey or interpret the information of emotional communication just seems to be temporarily out of order.
So I was at a stand still. I had no clue what to do and my broken brain wasn’t helping me figure it out.So, it wasn’t until a few days later that I decided to try going back to the clinic and seeing the doctor that had written the note and getting his take on my medical condition/or lack there of as it appeared he thought.
He diagnosed me with a very obvious case of post concussion syndrome disorder, or something like that. Post traumatic stress disorder. And of course, high blood pressure. It was so high at the time of the visit they had to give me medicine to lower it before allowing me to leave. He gave me a mess of meds to help with the symptoms, ordered a neck x-ray and referred me for physical therapy. He also, wrote a note removing me from work, and other similar activities, from July 3rd until further notice.
I love that my sense of humor is still partially intact, because… I think it is absolutely freaking hilarious that I get to send my insurance agency the second opinion note written by the same doctor that wrote the work release note, because, I TOLD them that I had never met this doctor, that he was not aware of my situation, and that he could not possibly be able to accurately say that it is safe for me to return to work… but they didn’t want to believe ME.
So anyway, it feels a lot better knowing that I’m not crazy. To know there’s actually a name, a diagnosis, for all this crap that’s broken inside of my head. Now, I can, hopefully, get the treatment I’ve needed and begin to get better!
Oh, and, because it’s amusing. My husband tagged along to this appointment. He’s not been to any yet with me aside from when we were taken by ambulance from the scene of the accident. Because of my lack of communication skills and the difficulty of trying to explain what I am experiencing, let alone explain it repeatedly to doctors and insurance agencies and temp agencies and attorneys… I have not shared much of it with my husband. But of course, sitting in the doctors room with me he heard the list… and believe me, it’s a list!
So, we leave the doctors and he’s like, “I uh, I don’t think you should be driving with, um, with all you got going on. We should switch spots.” If I displayed emotions I would have been laughing so hard I wouldn’t have been able to respond. Really, I shouldn’t have been driving for weeks. But, I have been. He doesn’t have a license right now and the last thing we need on top of our lovely financial situation is to get the suburban impounded, get a slew of tickets, and have him arrested. Honestly, I am so irrationally uptight on the roads (I have developed an extreme fear of other drivers on the road) that as long as you don’t mind going 50 mph everywhere and turning corners slower than molasses in January, I am likely the safest driver you will ever ride with.
He also made several comments about having to have me admitted into a home. I think he was joking, but I didn’t ask and can’t interpret that stuff. So, MOM, if you’re reading this, DO NOT GO ALONG WITH THIS IDEA!!! (hahaha)
So really, if you want to try to understand a little better, Google ‘post concussion syndrome symptoms’, then Google ‘post traumatic stress disorder symptoms’, and then Google ‘symptoms of high blood pressure’. In no particular order. Now, since you can all probably do this concept in your head, imagine you wrote all them symptoms on little pieces of paper, folded them in half, and dropped them into a big glass jar. Now, shake that jar up. Shake it good. Get all those little pieces of papers mixed up well. STOP. Now, look at that jar that you hold in your hands. Your imaginary hands of course. That jar is my head and those pieces of paper are my brain. My brain… on drugs! Just kidding! (Well, sorta, the doc did give me quite the goodie-bag! lol)
Anyway, so there’s your update. All you creepy nosy stalkers that deep down just love and care about me! ❤