This Isn’t Good Bye…

It pains me to say it out loud, yet whether I keep it in silence or scream it from the rooftops, the time will pass, the hours will tick by, and IT will ultimately arrive regardless of our ignorance or acceptance.

What is this giant IT that I may be referring to?

Returning to work of course, which brings with it great pleasure and equally, great pain.

I awake on this last glorious day of my unintended, but unavoidable extended “vacation” as I have any other day in the past two weeks, just as the sun crests upon the horizon and peeks in the window at the edge of our bed. Today though, I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, vainly attempting to hold on to the ungraspable darkness, if only for a few more minutes. I soak in the warmth of the blankets snuggled around me, my husbands arm draped across me, the sweet smell of country air that floats effortlessly through our open window.

I wish for morning to not come so soon, that night would last just a little bit longer, that I could begin this last day of ‘vacation’ just a little bit later.

The telephone rings. I ignore the annoyance searing through the silent house. My husband wriggles off the bed and with him the snuggliness of only moments before leaves as well. I turn on to my back, kicking the blankets off of me, throwing my body into the chill of the mornings air.

I am awake.

I’ve since made coffee, caught up on Facebook, talked to my oldest sister, started laundry, gathered our rental movies, and snuggled on the couch with our youngest daughter.

In mere seconds, hours have passed. As the time quickly escapes me, I anticipate the return to a life that a mere two weeks ago I desperately wanted.

Due to the concussion and it’s ability to steal the concept of time from my mind, the majority of those two weeks felt like only a few days. There was little I could do about it though, and  although I truly deep down did care, I knew that I was in no condition to work or attempt to dive into a normal mindset. I was too consumed with being trapped by the limitations of my own mind to truly worry about anything else.

Healing came about slowly. During the first week everything got worse as the days went by. The second week brought about the reverse action. Each day got better, but my mind healed slowly. Each day I hoped to wake up and simply feel normal again, but that just wasn’t the case.

This weekend we celebrated the fourth of July weekend that we should have had. The fourth of July weekend, as well as every thing else, that one single lady by mere accident had unintentionally stolen from us.

Though I forgave her the very moment that I saw the blur of her orange vehicle far too close to the corner of my hood, the fact remains that if she had just “saw” us, if she had just turned her head and LOOKED, we wouldn’t have dealt with the hardships that were thrown upon us.Then again, had she looked, we wouldn’t have been gifted the truly deep knowledge of how awesomely blessed we really are.

To each their own perspective. Either way, after my mind had ‘healed’ enough to withstand it, we took this weekend to heal our hearts.

Thursday night we had half of our grand kids over and the kids had a fun slumber party on our living room floor. Friday we took our kids to the fair where they excitedly rode carnival ride after ride as we watched in awe of their smiles and laughter and squeals of delight. Saturday we mingled with loved ones at a family reunion and ended the night having drinks and smores around a bonfire with the kids.

Today I clean and prepare for the return to work tomorrow. I look around at the things that I so desperately wanted the time to get to before my prolonged fourth of July.

I look at the tall grass around our front porch that I meant to trim. The orange lily’s I meant to dig up and replant throughout the long grass in the ditch separating the road from our yard. The children’s bedroom that I meant to organize, ever since we moved. The semi-large pile of belongings still packed away at my mother in laws that I planned on loading up, moving over here, and putting them away.

All the things that I know in my heart that I’m not going to get to today, and I quietly laugh inside. All the things I thought, if I could just get more than one day off from work in a row I could accomplish, went undone with over two weeks off in a row.

It doesn’t really bother me though. I know they’ll be there after work tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. They’ll be there next weekend, and possibly even the one after that. And if the day comes where after all the normal parts of keeping house are done and I still have time left over in my day, I’ll get to them.

I know that the truly important things; the hugs and the laughter, the snuggles and the fun, the smiles and the love, those things were all attended to. And with that, I can go back to work in peace, knowing that both my mind and my heart are healed.

Even though hours of work will replace hours of time spent with my loved ones, hours of opportunity to accomplish things around the house, hours of life that passes by in the blink of an eye. In the long run of things, I’m okay with that.

I miss my friends at work. I miss the joking around and the laughter. I miss the breaks where we vent, or catch up, given the moment of each ones day. I miss the belonging, the contributing, the being a part of something bigger than myself. I miss the rhythmic job, the pride of hitting numbers, the team work, and the security of a paycheck.

But what hasn’t been mentioned, not once in this whole scheme of posts over the past several weeks, not once in my ramblings of the coping to the one last bang of adjustment into normal life. The one thing I will deeply miss that I have not even hinted upon… is each of you.

My blog is so much more than a blog. Sure, it’s just the weirdness of junk that floats through my mind on a given day. It’s random and unpredictable. It comes in waves of three posts a day to no posts for three months, despite my vain attempts and broken ideas of being more routine in my postings. The truth is, my blog is a family. A family just as needed in my life as my relatives and as my friends and as my co-workers. Each family, though separate, together make my life whole.

Each one of you have traveled with me, been there with me, through so many good times and so many bad. You’ve held my hand as I screamed rage upon the deaf ears of an abusive father, as I cried through the fear of admitting I had an abortion and the ultimate guilt of such a choice. You stood by my side through the horror of finding out my husband had cancer, forcing us to flip our life plans upside down and flee back home. You sat in the drivers seat through my terrible car accident and recovery.

Each one of you have traveled through my heart on the words of my blog. Some of you I know in real life, or have grown to know you by seeing your name on my like notifications over the years, or I even know you simply by the anonymity of another blog view, a nameless, faceless traveler leaving nameless, faceless footsteps across the winding roads of my heart. No matter how I know you, you know me. You know a me on my very deepest level, and for that, you are important to me and I will greatly miss you….

As one might presume, and I must as well, the return to normal also equals the limited time to sit with you each morning rambling away on this screen. Though in my mind I say that I’ll be more consistent, that I need to keep posting. I can post once a week, scratch some time out of my extremely full Sunday’s off. Maybe I can sit and type after work, stay up a half hour later and get a quick post out. I have a list of posts I am inspired to write, surely I will find the time.

In my heart, as painstaking as it may be, we know that’s just not going to happen no matter how much “want” is standing behind it.

Though this is not a goodbye. This is simply a reminder of the truth of who I REALLY am, and that is someone who’s posts have always been randomly distributed and likely, always will be.

So I won’t say catch my post tomorrow, or even next weekend. I definitely won’t say good-bye. I’ll simply leave as I typically do…

See y’all next time, and in the meantime, enjoy the ride!! Just, uh, make sure you look before ya merge 😉




Categories: 2016

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