Surviving Marriage

Any life changing event brings about an altered mindset, a temporary clarity. Though I hesitate to prolong the discussion of the accident or resulting concussion as it’s been beaten over the head hard enough (no pun intended), I can’t help but to reflect my current circumstances within my posts.

Currently I am stuck home with a concussion from a horrible accident. I have no vehicle to get anywhere, and even if I did have one, I’m not completely certain driving right now is one of my best ideas. Though I was advised to sit in a dark room and stare at a blank wall, reducing brain activity as much as possible, I find this excruciatingly difficult to do. Unfortunately, I’ve also found that the lack of following such sage advice is likely the cause of such a prolonged recovery time. It’s quite possible that a prior concussion and pre-existing health conditions are at fault for the lengthy recovery time as well.

Regardless of the reasoning, I am going completely insane! I am trapped by my own bodies tolerance levels and I am fighting a losing battle. I’ve tried countless times to push through, but my brain is a clever one and I can only push so far before it has me slumped over in a heap of pain, or fast asleep from complete exhaustion.

Today I managed two separate occasions of activity that were approximately ten minutes each. My punishment, a 3+ hour “nap” of recovery time. And I hope to return to work tomorrow, the next day at the latest. Who am I kidding?

A brain injury is likely comparable to a host of different mental illnesses. From the outside I appear perfectly fine, but on the inside my brain is in complete turmoil and as active as a pile of mush, at its best. As excruciatingly difficult as this is on me, I imagine it is equally difficult on those around me as well. Those that want the good ol’ ‘me’ back, as much as I do….

Today it finally leaked into the confines of my marriage. As I walked into our bedroom with the intention of putting our clothes away only to lay down on our bed, pure exhaustion taking over, and falling fast asleep. I’m sure this is due to having just spent about five minutes quickly researching ‘how to recover from a concussion fast’ which, ironically, is described in detailed lengthy articles how it is best not to read, text, watch tv, etc until all symptoms are gone and then slowly introduce each activity back into your life. You know, because 99% of the people wondering how to recover from a concussion fast have a concussion and aren’t supposed to be reading detailed lengthy articles, but I rest my case. Of course, my dumb-ass self sat and read the entire article as my headache soared from a 3 to a 9 on the pain charts, and then I planned to go put clothes away…. Duh, right?

So there I lay, sound asleep on my bed. Too exhausted to care that I was cold or that my legs hung off the bed at an awkward angle that would cause discomfort soon. When out of nowhere a voice rumbles intentionally loud enough to wake me,”that doesn’t look like cleaning.” Quickly, without missing a beat, in my extremely tired and aching, not to mention immediately irritated, state of mind, I retorted,”Neither does what your doing!” And bless his intelligent little heart, my husband was wise enough to turn around and walk away without uttering another word, which surely would have unleashed the devil within me upon his very soul.

Thankfully, I was so exhausted that I fell back asleep without allowing the full scope of how insanely insensitive his remarks were given my current state of health. And by the time I awoke it was far too late to tell him that if he wanted the clothes put away that bad that he’s perfectly capable of doing it himself. Although in our twelve years of being together I have never actually witnessed him hanging a shirt or folding a pair of pants, I can confidently say that I am sure he knows how to, or at the very least could figure it out.

And although every word I type is true and would lead one to the belief that my husband is being inconsiderate and uncaring, he is no more inconsiderate or uncaring than I have been when he’s felt ill and I’ve nagged him to fix my car, or fix the water, or do a number of things a wife would typically request from her husband. I look perfectly fine and my symptoms are, quite literally, all in my head. I can’t blame him for, after 8 days, reacting in a way that, if the shoes were on the other feet, I can’t truly say I wouldn’t react in as well.

It’s a little give and a little take. And taking turns having bad days, and being there when the other has a bad day. But mostly, it’s going back to sleep rather than fueling the flames. It’s knowing that being silent is so much better than being right. Because at the end of the day, life is far too short to argue over a pile of clothes.

And truthfully, he probably would have folded the pants ‘wrong’ and I would have had to just fold them all over again anyway….


Categories: 2016

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