Frozen

Is frozen an emotion? Because that’s how I feel. I feel, frozen.

I awake in the morning and grab a cup of coffee. I switch loads of laundry. I clean the house. I give baths and help with dinner.

I make the bed and scroll through Facebook. I fret about bills and getting my car on the road. I respond to emails and schedule doctor appointments.

But I’m not really there. I’m trapped in my mind. Trapped by a wall of emotions that  I cannot comprehend.

I watch my children. My sweet ten year old boy. My darling four year old girl. I watch my amazing step-children. My beautiful grandchildren. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law. I watch them all from the sidelines…

I think about my future. Our future. Their future. I wonder if they will be strong enough. If I will be strong enough.

I hope that it is nothing. That the tests show it was just a mistake. That it is someone else’s husband that has cancer. It’s not my husband. My husband just has a cold. A cold that just needs an antibiotic and he’ll be a-okay.

I pray that it is nothing. A simple pill to treat a simple cancer. That the very worst thing he’ll go through is the bone marrow biopsy. That we have many, many more years together. Happy, healthy years. That at the very worst, he’ll have to take a pill and all will be well.

But… I fear that it is everything. That at 1:37 yesterday afternoon a doctor walked into that hospital room and changed our lives, and we don’t even know it yet.

All we can do is sit frozen in time. Frozen in our minds. Waiting on tests. Waiting on results. Waiting to comprehend the incomprehensible. Hoping, praying, that there’s nothing to comprehend at all.

Is frozen an emotion? Because that’s how I feel. I feel, frozen.

 

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Categories: 2016

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4 replies

  1. I think that words like dazed, shocked, stupefied are appropriate here. I think back to the hundreds and thousands of generations of families which have come before us and the unimaginable horrors which some have experienced in human history, and then I thank God for the blessings of peace, comfort, and the highest possible medical care that we could ever imagine – right here at our disposal – Mercy already here and working like cool water pouring into a parched mouth. God is with you and helping you now. He never left you. Talk to Him; He’s listening.

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