Go Ahead, Make a Liar out of Me

Blogging 201, Day 1: Set Three Goals. Alright people behind Blogging U, let’s have it out…

I set my goals. In fact, I made an entire post warning about the natural consequences of my goals appropriately titled, “Warning: This Blog WILL Self-Destruct!” Then you come along with all of your questions to ponder over. Questions about why I blog and if my blog exceeded it’s wildest dreams what would it look like and what is most important to me about my blog. You came along and with a smile on your face, you made a liar out of me!

Let’s start at the beginning (seems like a good enough place to start). Since I very first started blogging, I wanted to leave an imprint on my reader. I didn’t want my words to be just another thought that came and went throughout the madness of your day. I wanted to effect change. To inspire others to be better than they were yesterday, even if only a little. To strive for growth. To reach their full potential. I wanted to be someone that made your life better, just by being a part of it.

This never changed. It has mutated. It has shifted. It has went through the stages of development that most of us do as we grow. But, it has never changed. This is still what I want. This, is why I blog.

I’ve done something different with this blog than I ever did before; I came as close as ever to revealing my true identity. I use my real name, mostly. I don’t hide behind anonymity. In bits and pieces, story by story, post by post, I have slowly peeled back the layers that make up who I am. I have slowly revealed these to you, revealed them to myself.

My blog was no longer keeping up. I had changed, and my blog, it was still reflecting darker days. The header image, dark. The name, dark. Like a lost teenager, it was dressed in black clothes as it swam through the tragedies that was haunting it. Slowly, I had changed, and that big black sweater my blog wore was cramping my style.

Now, I am the sun shining on a summer day, warming your soul. I am the waves rhythmically crashing to shore, calming you. I am the shade tree, comforting you. I am the sand beneath your feet, the children laughing in the distance, the lemonade at your side. I am light, trapped in a blog of darkness.

I went to bed one night with thoughts of who I am and what my blog reflected. I tossed and turned with these two conflicting personas until I drifted off to sleep. That night I had a dream so vivid that it awoke me from a sound sleep and I quickly jotted down exactly what I dreamed. The next morning, my dream became my new blog Life’s a Beach.

For nearly a week I struggled with the death of my old blog, this blog, and the creation of my new blog. Finally, I committed to making my dream reality and wrote a post warning you of the inevitable destruction of this blog. I hit publish… but, I didn’t feel as good about it as I thought I would.

I thought about this as I traveled through my day. I thought about this as Blogging U mockingly asked me such revealing questions. I thought about this as I went back over my list of goals.

There is a reason I never jumped right in to creating a “self-improvement” geared blog. There is a reason that this dream of mine has been so easily procrastinated. The truth… the real truth is, that I don’t feel deserving enough to be the one to write it.

I read other motivational blogs and I think wow, that is someone that really has it all together. I definitely do not have it all together. Those are people of success. Those are people who have made it. Those are people to be looked up to. Those are people that have credibility.

Those people didn’t get twenty hour eviction notices. Those people didn’t have shitty cars that break down on them. Those people didn’t regret having an abortion. Those people don’t get frustrated with their kids and upset with their husbands. Those people don’t accidentally toss peanut butter snacks into their son’s backpack, again. Those people aren’t thirty something and going to college, still. Those people didn’t grow up around alcohol and domestic violence. Those people didn’t go through high school watching their fathers die. Those people, they aren’t damaged, they aren’t me.

Why would anybody listen to me? I have no credibility…. And so another day would pass and the creation of my inspirational blog was left to be only a dream hidden in the night.

One day, the other day, I finally broke free of that and brought my dream into reality. Or so I thought. But, as I worked to “build” my new blog today, it just didn’t feel right. Compared to the black sweater, I loved the new flowery sundress, but it just didn’t fit over the mask I was wearing.

I slowly realized that this blog IS my credibility. This is what makes me worth listening to, not because I am anything special, but because I am not! I am married to the father of my children. I have two kids and a dog. I live in a four bedroom house on the outskirts of a city. I AM the stereotypical boringly perfect family. Below the surface though, I am anything but perfect, and that is exactly why I am not boring. And, un-boring people deserve to be listened to!

My advice, my tips, my inspiration, and motivation, aren’t going to be respected simply because I said so. They will be respected because I haven’t just said it, I lived it. My struggles, my dark days, inspired me to be better than I was yesterday, and that is exactly what I need to inspire you.

My “new” blog will be deleted. We don’t need a younger, newer model of “perfection”. If you followed, it will disappear from your reader list once I hit that delete button. (Thanks for the support though!)

To let this blog die… would kill my dream. My blog doesn’t need to be something else to make my dreams reality, it only needs to be itself… and get better than it was yesterday!


Categories: 2015

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