My blog, is in essence, a reflection of me. It tells hidden (and not so hidden) stories of what I have experienced. I appear to be telling you how to react or feel or respond or believe, but in truth, I am really telling me.
When speaking of my life, it is really hard to not speak about the people in it. I didn’t get through this life alone… after all.
After the post about my abortion gained as much attention as it did. After I read it and re-read it, again and again, each time, through the eyes of someone else. I started to see how much of other people’s business I was potentially airing on my blog.
Every story of mine, is essentially another someone’s story as well. I feel a need to share my story. It helps me. Writing helps me. Sharing it publicly helps me. This may not be the case for another someone though.
I write about others anonymously, as much as possible. My husband is my husband, my kids are my kids, mom is mom, etc. If you know me in ‘real’ life, I cannot “fake” who these people are that I am talking about. As in my abortion story though, not too many people in real life or otherwise, knew who the ex and his wife were that I was talking about. Unless they already knew, they didn’t know.
To me, being mentioned in my blog is an honor. Even if it is only in reference of an event that they inspired, a feeling that they created, it is an honor. By me mentioning them, it means that they have had enough of an impact on my life that it was something I felt worth mentioning. It means that they were, or are (probably both) very, very special to me. Or at least, that they have changed me in some way.
Do they feel the same way? That is the holy grail of questions…. I’ve done a little research into this. My interest simply causing me to notice articles, information, or references to the question in my normal browsing.
Today, it lead me to this post –> ‘Should You Let the Cats Out of the Bag? Blogging About Family and Friends.” I instantly wanted to share it with every single family and friend that I have. I wanted them to understand the struggle that I experience within my writing, as it pertains to them, from my side of the computer screen. Mostly though, I wanted their answers.
Are they okay with me sharing my own perspective of life, when it includes them? I do my very best to ensure their complete anonymity. I know that my stories are only a reflection of my feelings towards an event. That they aren’t always complete fact. I also realize that this is not always conveyed through my writing. Such as the instance of my stating that it was my fault that my ex would never be a Dad.
Of course he can be a dad someday. It was simply to state the depth of guilt that I felt towards their current situation. Even though one has, literally, nothing to do with the other. I spoke what I was feeling, or have felt, not the rational reality of the feelings. For a second, I had even worried that I had implied that they made me feel that way, when they did no such thing.
Potentially, these misunderstandings could have ruined some great relationships and unintentionally hurt some great people. (It didn’t. I am simply using that post as an example of what COULD happen.)
I can not write in fear of what others will think, even those that I am writing about, or I will not be writing my feelings about anything. If it came down to that… there would be no real point in writing at all….
So, what do I do? How do I handle it?
In some ways, I do feel that it is my blog, my way of reaching out (and in) to figure out the stuff that I need figured out. It is mine. If they love me, they will understand, they will respect that. They will feel honored.
But…. Is that pride, is my blog, worth burning a relationship for? I can not confidently say that it is.
What about my mother? What if I talk about some of the hard times growing up? Or my husband, and the rough situations we have survived through…. To some, it may paint a pretty ugly picture. It may cause people to see them in a light that they do not deserve to be seen in, simply, because they are only provided with a piece, of their whole.
Everything in my blog is but a piece to a whole. Nothing is ever, will ever, could ever, be the whole story.
But, to them. To them, it could be everything. Would I hurt them, by speaking my truth? By telling it as I feel? Even knowing, that feelings change significantly as time passes… as we heal. Will it hurt them, if the picture that I paint isn’t the pretty flowers and butterflies that we’d all like to see?
I worry about these things, as I reflect on myself, as I create the essence of my blog, as I share hidden (and not so hidden) stories. Will there ever come a time that I share too much, and lose something, someone, that I could never bare to lose?
Does the answer to the question really matter? Or is it simply enough, to have thought, to ask the question in the first place?