Can you even be a Christian after having an abortion?
This is one of the hardest walks in my faith that I have ever taken.
It is time, to take you on that walk with me….
But, before we discuss that, there is one thing that we need to get out of the way. This is NOT a discussion about religion. I am a Christian. I believe in God. End of that story.
If you are not a Christian, guess what? I love you anyway, because, that’s what Christians are supposed to do.
I couldn’t care less if you don’t believe what I believe. That’s the magic of religion, we get to choose, and none of us are wrong. What I believe is right, because that is what I believe. As is, what you believe. It is right, for the individual. I believe that as a Christian it is not my job to force my God on you. It is my job to show you God’s love and let you find Him for yourself.
And that is what is right… because that is what I believe…. And, it’s my blog dang nabbit!
I nearly lost my faith in my war with my God over my abortion. That is serious! That is real! That is VITAL, for someone fighting that war right now to hear. Please respect that need and DO NOT make this an argument about religion. (Thanks a bunch)
I gave my life to God one dark night when I was 7 years old. I was reading one of those little pamphlets that “they” send around. The ones that at the end invite you to accept Jesus into your heart. I was supposed to be sleeping, but I was reading a pamphlet instead. I went down to my mom and she helped me make that very first real prayer to God to take me as I am.
I was born “into” the Christian faith. What do I mean by that? I mean that the main role models in my childhood were Christian. Not a Sunday went by at my grandparents without going to church. So I got the whole down low on Jesus from Sunday school since, well as far back as I can remember. But, it wasn’t until I was 7 that I truly found God.
Then, as a teenager, I kind of wandered off of that path. I am a pretty open minded individual. Unfortunately (fortunately?), this opens me up to understanding other peoples points of view and beliefs… and religions. I wandered off of God’s path and learned about other religions. Mostly the Wicca faith/religion. I’m not even sure how to correctly state that. I have great respect for that religion, as I do many others.
(Did you know that many Wicca beliefs are crafted from the Celtic faith, that was around far longer than the Christian faith? Just a biscuit to toss in your pouch. They are NOT “witches” like what you would imagine from the depictions of it on television.)
But anyway, so I wasn’t always a stand up Christian. When I made the decision to abort my child, I wasn’t thinking about what God would think of me. I didn’t think about that until years later….
I loved my first baby. Don’t get me wrong. I loved that baby so much that I knew without a doubt that I could never hand it over to a “better” home to raise as their own. I loved that baby so much that I wanted to give it so, so much more than I could at 18 years old. As completely demented as it sounds to you, I killed my baby, because I loved my baby. That doesn’t make it right, or okay, or excusable, or anything. It just is the way it is.
I never understood that love until I looked into the eyes of my “other” first baby. My son, that I actually birthed. I suddenly understood what unconditional love really was. And with him came the flooding heartache of what I had done and the realization of how far I had turned my back on God.
Would He ever let me turn my face to Him again? Would He ever love ME again? Would He ever FORGIVE me for what I had DONE?!
I hear the stories of how new mothers are so tired because they get virtually no sleep the first few months of having a newborn. They cry. They eat. They cry. They poop. They cry. They sleep. They cry. Uh, I imagine the crying can seem endless when it’s at all hours of the night!
I never really went through that though. I adored the time alone in the middle of the night with my kids. But with the first, I really didn’t sleep, ever. It wasn’t my baby’s crying that kept me up at night though… it was my own.
I cried so many nights. I cried in fear that God would take my baby away from me. I didn’t deserve to have such a beautiful, precious thing to love and to hold. I had that chance, and I threw it away. I had a very real, very irrational fear, that I would lose my son. He would stop breathing in the middle of the night. His father would take him from me (my mental health and relationship was NOT what it is today). CPS would take him from me. GOD would TAKE him from me. I was scared sick that I would lose him.
I begged for God to forgive me. I begged and I cried and I felt so ashamed before His eyes for doing what I had done. But mostly, I thought my tears were falling on closed ears. Why would God forgive me for THIS? I had never done anything worthy of earning that forgiveness. I had committed the highest of all sins (at least in my eyes). I would never deserve His forgiveness. I was always looking, expecting, waiting, for Him to make me pay for what I had done. (Hence my guilt over having the amazing kids that I’ve been blessed with, when my ex has none, yet!)
It took me a long, long, LOOONNNG time to really put my faith in perspective and learn the truth of God’s forgiveness for myself. To feel the truth of His forgiveness.
Do you know how I KNOW that God loves me? Because, God is love (the bible tells me so). When I look at my children, when I think about my children. ALL of my children, my real first baby, my children that I am raising, my step children that I am blessed to have in my life. When I think of them, ALL I feel is love. The deepest, truest love I have ever felt. I am but a mere ‘man’, if I can love my children that deeply… how amazingly deep does the almighty God love ME!?! He IS love.
My children mess up sometimes. (Believe it or not). They have messed up BAD sometimes, but, do you think that I stop loving them? Of course not! They’re my kids, nothing they could ever do would make me stop loving them. Well, folks, we are God’s kids…. He never stops loving us either.
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, God killed His own child. Do you remember? Surely, you know the story. I bet that you never “heard” that part of the story. But, you know it. It was HIS decision, to send His one and only son to death to save all of us from our sins. Do you think that was an easy choice? His one and only son died on the cross to forgive us for our sins. God could have stopped that, ya know. God didn’t HAVE to let it go down like that. But He did. Because He loves us THAT much.
God sent his child to die for me, to forgive me for my sins, before I was ever even thought of down here. He KNEW my path, before I had even started it, and he saved me, from myself.
Do you know why I wrestled with that war in my head and heart about God and my abortion? Because he was SCREAMING for me to come back to him, and silly little me was trying to convince myself that I didn’t deserve His love.
Do my children deserve my love? Have they earned my love today?
That’s not how love works! They get my love because they exist. They are my children. It is nothing that they earn. They have to do NOTHING to get that from me. It just is. Just as God’s love is for us. It just is.
Will God ever love you again?
Darling, He NEVER stopped loving you in the first place.