I haven’t written anything for a few days. I pull up WordPress, click on the pencil symbol, and stare at the new post screen for a good hour each day.
I’m not practicing. Not ensuring that my ‘click new post’ skills are keen. I don’t even have writers block. I have tons to write. TRUST ME!
It’s just… well, it’s just that life sucks right now. Plain and simple. I don’t really like writing when life sucks. When life sucks, people (me), tend to write things that I later realize I probably shouldn’t have aired to the world.
Much like Facebook, our dirty laundry doesn’t belong here either.
But lately, life has been rough. I mean, so rough that I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I hold back tears from streaming down my face as I type this, simply because it’s just too much.
Too much wrong. Too much shit. Too many failed game plans. It’s like watching it all crumble right before my eyes. And then, like adding a cherry to the top, my car breaks down yesterday. Rod through the oil pan. Done deal.
Wahhaaaa!!! <– That is me, crying.
How can you write when you feel like this? When there’s so much bad going on that you can’t even think straight, let alone think of words to put on paper.
This isn’t the blog that I need to write. I need to write in response to a blog post I read, as Blogging 101 Assignment 9 instructs. Which, of course, is yesterdays task. (Go figure.) But, maybe I’m not as far off base as I think I am….
*Day Nine: get Inspired by the Neighbors. Today’s assignment: write a post that builds on one of the comments you left yesterday.
As soon as I read this task I knew exactly what post I was going to respond to, One Step- On a Single Journey. It was a great post. A post that made me think of things differently. It isn’t the post that I would have written on the subject, and I like that about it. But, I also felt an inspiration to write what I would have wrote on the subject.
For starters, this bloggers post was short and sweet. Anyone who’s been around my blog for a few seconds knows that I struggle with short and sweet!
But, it was more than that. The main message, that I interpreted, was that sometimes, growth within a relationship means letting go of the other person that is holding you back so that you may grow on your own.
I’ve been there. My relationship with my husband has been a long one. A trying one. One filled with growth and change, and even lack of growth.
And whoa the troubles we are in right now. The struggles. The trials and tribulations.
During these times it seems that people really look at the value that their relationship has to their life as a whole.
So, maybe right now is the perfect time to write the post that I intended to write. Why? Because, I’m not at all feeling the way I’m going to tell you to feel. I’m questioning. I’m doubting. I’m struggling. But, deep down, at the end of the day, week, month, year, I still stand strongly behind the words that I am going to say.
This friends post brought to light one decision that a person can make. And, I don’t necessarily disagree with her. But, I don’t fully agree with her either.
In relationships, when things are going wrong. When you are trying to grow, but the other half of the relationship is just dragging you down, sometimes, it might come down to the fact that you need to make a choice. You need to decide if this relationship is for the long haul or not. After all, just as you can’t fight without two people, you typically can’t grow without two people either.
Now, for matters relevant only to my own personal life, everything about growth is going to be specifically about financial growth, because that’s where I’m at in the real world. I NEED financial growth. Not a fat paycheck, (although I won’t complain if anyone wants to send me one!) I mean true financial growth. Stability. Security. All those things that being mature with your financial decisions creates within a persons life.
I desire growth in this area. I also feel like I’m climbing Mount Everest with a giant heavy ball chained around my leg, dragging me down. This ball and chain would be none other than my husband. Sadly. I hate to paint the picture like that. But….
According to my friends blog post, there comes a time where you simply end up having to make a journey alone if you ever want to get there. But, my question is, where exactly do you intend to go?
I know, I’m totally confusing.
I see relationships and marriage as two separate things, with two separate set of rules. What will break a relationship, will not break a marriage. A marriage is on a higher level than a relationship and therefor requires a higher level of commitment. Also, I feel this only applies when the relationship doesn’t involve shared children. Being a parent far outweighs the commitment level of a marriage. Plain and simple.
Once upon a time, I did end a relationship because I felt my level of ambition towards a successful life was not even closely matched to the persons I was dating. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep pushing and trying and working and saving and going no where so fast.
I also dated a guy, coincidentally (or not), right after this last fellow, that had it all together. The house. The car. The steady job. The well off income. You name it, this guy had it taken care of. But, that relationship wasn’t perfect either. That relationship lacked love, connection, honesty, a different level of growth.
Then I met this guy. This guy, that I would ultimately marry. The funny part, we have drug ourselves through things far worse than anything my previous two boyfriends ever had a chance of. I walked out at the slightest sight of struggle with them. But, with this guy, it was different. I had a kid with this guy. It wasn’t as easy to just, walk away.
So, what did I do? I learned how to grow, together and independently. I learned how to take my single ticket for a one way journey, and join it with his. And, in the process, I accidentally fell madly, deeply in love with this guy.
Without going into morbid detail of how truly bad off we are right now, I could, technically, blame it entirely on him. If, for nothing else, then because he’s the man in this relationship, he’s supposed to be taking care of us.
But, is that really true?
You see, there is always a choice. There is a choice to take that ticket and run, or to rip it into shreds and give up on the world, uselessly stuck in the downward spiral this other person is pulling you in. Doesn’t really sound like much of a choice does it?
That’s only because of how you’re looking at it. That’s not where the choice really is. You can see that, now that it is spelled out for you in black and white, right?
The choice is in your reaction to the problem.
Is it truly all, single handily, my husbands fault that we are in the spot that we are in? I had absolutely no weight in the matter? Outside influences had no weight in the matter? Technically then, it is solely my husbands fault that my car spontaneously broke down on me? And really, is it truly as bad as I think it is?
Of course not. Our situation is no more his fault, then it is that he didn’t have psychic powers to tell me in advance that my car would suddenly go ker-plunk after running perfectly for so long. (Actually it was much louder than a ker-plunk, and involved lots of rolling black smoke. But, for stories sake….)
I know that everything will work out. I’m not sure exactly how, right now. But, I know that it will. I know that our struggles push us to grow as individuals and as a couple. I know that there is good hiding in this situation. I also know, that there are so many people far worse off than I am right now. People that long for someone to hold them at night. People that would give everything to have a child to tuck into bed at night. People that don’t even have one car, let alone a chance to cry about their second vehicle breaking down.
So, where exactly do I want my ticket to take me? To a distant future where I am financially secure, even if this means being alone? Or to a place of comfort and security, safety and love, even if it means being a paycheck behind on our expenses every month?
As a matter of fact, I’d surely save a lot more money throughout the year if I just auctioned off my children. Oh man, especially with school shopping so close! Technically speaking, they drag down my financial goals far worse than my husband ever could. One can’t even bring in a solid income for another eight years! The other is still fourteen years off!! Ugh, what a couple of freaking balls and chains dragging ME down!
Ridiculous sounding isn’t it? But, I said the same thing about my husband five minutes ago. That was cool? That was fine, understandable, even worth agreeing with? It’s okay to discard my husband because I think he might be dragging me down?
So, he doesn’t have his finances together like I think he should. Guess what? Neither do I! I wouldn’t be bitching and moaning about my finances right now if I did.
Truth is, not many of us have it all together. Not many of us even know how to get it all together. We try the best we can. And, that’s the best anyone else should realistically expect from us.
We hold our significant others to so much higher standards than we do ourselves. Why? Why is okay for us to struggle, not know where to turn, not know what to do besides curl up in a ball and cry, but we expect the other half of our relationship to have it all figured out? Not just figured out, but taken care of. Why do we not understand that they are human too?
Maybe, they are sitting there, staring at their computer screen with that dang nabbing game pulled up, clicking away aimlessly at some little pawn on the screen, thinking of all the things that YOU do to drag them down. Maybe, it’s not all them that is at fault.
I’ve heard the, “I’ve done everything, and they just refuse to grow with me.” Shit, I’ve said that line! But, is it true? Did we really do everything that we could? Probably not. Did they do everything they could? Probably not.
Ya know what gets the most positive reaction from my husband when we’re hit with a whopper that makes me want to just curl up in a ball and cry? What gets him motivated the quickest to get through this mess together? Surprisingly enough, when I walk over to him, give him a genuine hug, and tell him, “it’ll be okay, we’ll figure it out.” He needs to hear the exact words that I need to.
Weird, isn’t it?
Anyone can grow on their own. To meet their own standards. Reach their own goals. But, to grow with someone else. That is real work. That is real struggle. That, is a journey worth trading your ticket in for!