I had an epiphany last night. (Epiphany. Correct word usage? Proper spelling? Oh wait, I’M the writer. Shit.)…. An, aha moment. (<– Ha! Nailed it!)
You see, I’ve worked really hard at being like you. Writing like you. Thinking like you. Reacting like you.
But… I’m not you. Ironically enough.
I can’t sit here and write these relatively pointless informative articles and culturally provoking pieces of work. I’ve tried. It isn’t working.
I had a long talk with a friend last night about writing, my writing. They read bits and pieces of what rolls out of my blog. They’ve noticed the same thing I’ve noticed, that the pieces I am most proud of, are pieces that my soul and a hint of my reality, has slithered its way into.
They’ve also noticed a slight, dare I say fault, that I have. I seem to have developed a knack for completely contradicting myself. Sure, I do this with such stealth that few may have noticed. But it’s guaranteed, if I have a firm opinion of a certain concept at the beginning of a post, by the end of the post I will be saying the exact opposite.
I’ve sort of known I do this. I hide behind a wall of telling myself that it’s just my way of working out what I feel. Unfortunately for me, my friend knows me in the real world too. Jokingly, I was told that if I rambled enough, I could convince myself of anything.
Sadly, that’s a true story.
Sometimes, this is a great asset. I have yet to have fallen for the adults crushing reality that you really can’t be ANYTHING when you grow up. I easily convince myself otherwise. I just ramble until I get there!
Most the time though, it’s not a good thing. Because, it’s not just within my writing that I do this.
Welcome to my reality. A world where I shut down the computer and open the door to my every day life, continuing to let others dictate the majority of my actions in fear of their reaction. Truthfully though, it’s simply a fear of being rejected. Being confronted. It’s easier to never stand firm on anything and just go with the flow, always the agreeable one.
Sounds like a healthy lifestyle, huh?
The problem goes far deeper into my life than I’d ever care to admit….
I’ve always been a writer. I’ve kept a diary since I first learned how to write. In early childhood my diary quickly became a journal. Soon after, it was nothing more than a collection of poems. Losing it’s pinpoint certainty of what, or whom, I was truly writing about as time etched by.
There’s a significant difference between a diary and a journal. A diary is intimate, private, detailed. A journal is nothing more than an account of events, and if written carefully, can not come back to bite you in the ass when it falls into the wrong hands. As I aged, I became less and less willing to reveal any depth of truth behind anything I wrote. And, as the online world became popular, a blog became nothing more than my online journal. A place where I tell you things, without really telling you anything at all.
I was safer this way. Hiding everything that is bottled up, swarming inside my head and my heart. Hiding me.
But… What’s the worst that would happen if I’m actually real with you? You leave me? Well… then I guess you really weren’t meant to be around in the first place. You might judge me…. You might think I’m weak…. Heartless…. Childish…. At times, I am. I have been. Most certainly, I will be in the future.
It’s called being real. Not a single one of us is immune. I’m sorry, just kind of the way it is.
To wrap it up, it’s time I start being real with you. I get this weird feeling that it’s going to help me be real with me….
So, “Rah’s Mirror” is getting a re-vamp. I am throwing my blog into a completely different direction. If you’re following, be aware that changes are coming! New layout! New title! New posts! A new shift… into diary style writing again.
It’s time to tell the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth.
So help us God.