The Secret to Understanding Women

Men everywhere, since the beginning of who even knows when, have been trying to understand women. No, I wouldn’t even go so far as to say they are trying to understand. They are simply stating how absolutely ridiculously impossible women are to understand. So guys, I’m here to help you out. I’m here to reveal to you just how to understand a woman so you will never be baffled again. Really, it’s not difficult. It’s not challenging. It’s not even complex. There is only one thing you need to do. Just one thing….


Well, okay, maybe there is more than ONE thing…. Women do approach topics, handle disputes, and generally communicate slightly differently than men do.

We also need to bring to light the fact that not everyone, really, nearly no one, fits into the perfectly constructed ideal of “the difficult to understand woman”. For instance, it is widely believed that when men are confronted with a problem they lock themselves in their garages or in front of their video games until the solution miraculously comes to them. Well, it appears miraculous through the woman’s eyes. Women on the other hand, when confronted with a problem, call up their mom to talk about it, run to their best friends and talk about it, discuss it with their neighbor, and their hairdresser, and their mailman, and the weird drunk man that’s always wandering around in front of I-Hop… and then they cry, eat 5 gallons of ice-cream, and never truly reach a solution, but boy do they feel better knowing that “everyone understands gir-lll.”

No. That is simply not how REAL people work. When I have a problem, I don’t want to talk to a damn person, about anything… let alone the problem itself. I would rather sort it out myself, and then approach a person after I have a solution ready to follow up the problem. I am a woman (by the way) and I know plenty of other women like this. I also know men that call up their moms and their buddies, and their best friends’ girlfriends’ brothers’ cat to talk about their problems.

There are women that do not want to talk about their problems. There are women that will not ask you if this dress makes their butt look big. There are women that do not pick fights for absolutely no reason. There are women that are genuinely interested in your opinions. And, let’s face it, there are just some women that are plain ol’ fucking psycho and no amount of any explaining will ever let ANYONE understand why they do what they do!

We are not all the same. We will not all fit into a stereotype. That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.

So… now that we have that out on the table, let’s dish up the good stuff. The point is, you don’t understand women and you want to. Well, I assume you want to… you are reading this…. So, let’s focus on the main complaints that men give for why we are such confusing creatures.

1. We argue for absolutely no apparent logical reason.

Well, this one is sometimes true, to a degree….

Everything is going fine. The candles are lit. The soft music is playing. You cuddle on the couch beside your gorgeous girlfriend. When suddenly, out of nowhere, she turns into the chick off of exorcist. Her head is spinning around in circles and she’s spewing obscenities in your face, screaming something about squishing her arm and how you just can’t do anything right.

It happens… I’m sorry.

But this is where guys get a little confused. They assume that because there is no IMMEDIATE logical reason to our current state of psychosis that there is none at all. Believe me, there is a reason. A reason that is completely logical. It could be that you stared at the waitress’ tits the entire anniversary dinner you just shared with her. It could be that your ex called and you spoke to her for 1 hour 45 minutes 16 and 1 half seconds on the phone this morning. Yes, she does know, to the split second, how long the conversation was. Do NOT attempt to correct her on this! It could even be something as simple as, she has felt less of a priority in your day lately.

In fact, the last one more often reflects the real issue. Lives get busy. Women get busy. Men get busy. Babies are born…. But seriously, we are busy with work, and after work activities, and dinner, and chores, and kids, and blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we forget to actually converse with our other half. No, “did you change the load of laundry?” is not considered conversation. Women want you, all of you, to just spend a little time with them. When you don’t, they get a little psycho.

Or you know, you just keep “forgetting” to change your number so the ex can’t call anymore.

Regardless of what the reason is, there IS a reason to the seemingly illogical melt down.

2. We want you to read our minds.

Trust me, we do NOT want you to have the ability to do this. We keep some pretty private stuff rolling around in there … like the day the cable guy was over to hook up service. You know, the smoking hot one that obviously hits the gym every day after work…. Yes, we notice too. We just happen to have mastered the skill of keeping our eyes inside of our heads. (Who’s the more advanced sex now, huh?)

In all seriousness, this one misconception seems to lead to the most frustrations within relationships. We don’t want you to read our minds, but yet, in a sense we do. The truth is, we want you to KNOW us well enough that we don’t HAVE to spell out EVERYTHING for you. This is going to be a difficult one to explain….

It is not comforting us with your big strong arms when we are feeling down, that makes us know you love us. It is the fact that you know when we need that comforting hug and when we just need to be alone in our thoughts for a few.

It is not bringing us home roses every Valentine’s Day when we hate getting flowers because they just die in a week.

It is not buying us purple flip flops on a hot summer day when we hate the color purple.

It is picking up your dirty socks and tossing them in the hamper because it drives us freaking crazy touching nasty, sweaty socks EVERY day. Actually, that just falls into the “if you see something that needs done, do it” category… entirely different blog post territory.

We just want you to know us… that is our intimacy. That is how we feel loved by you.

3. We ask questions that we already know the answer to

Here comes the revelation of a millennium into complex woman concepts. I can already hear the pitchforks held by my fellow women beating on the ground in front of my house….

Truth is, we don’t already know the answer. Well, we do but…. And this is where I REALLY hate to give any indication that we as women are… well, for lack of better words… stupid. But, sometimes, let’s face it, we are!

In every situation of this occurrence I have personally encountered, the question being asked revolves somewhere around the concept of loyalty to the woman asking the question…. Have you talked to your ex lately? Were you checking out the waitress? Did you cheat on me when you said you were pulling your buddies truck (which happened to be more powerful than your own) out of the ditch, in front of the bar, that his sister worked at, the same sister that you hooked up with less than a week after I left you? (Well, that was oddly specific) … Yes, we do know the answer. We, simply, will never let our brains accept the answer until we hear it from you. If we truly KNEW the answer, like fully accepted the truth of the answer, we wouldn’t be sticking around to ask the question. Trust me!

I call it the “blind faith” syndrome. No matter what substantial evidence we have staring us in the face, a part of us, deep down (for some, VERY deep down) believe you would never do anything to hurt us. We don’t want to lose our fictitious image of happily ever after. We don’t want to lose that little bit of hope, the last strand, that we clench so tightly to… hoping that all that proof that is nearly burying us alive, isn’t true.

Even when we have accepted it, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, we still want you to validate the answer. It can become almost impossible to have closure without hearing it from your lips… and we women, we know that. So, we ask.

And sometimes, on rare occasion might I add, we truly don’t know the answer. Honestly. We hear from a not so reliable source of a bizarre scenario that you were supposedly involved in. So, we ask you about it. It is after you start to answer that we know…. It doesn’t really matter what the answer is that you give us…. We know. We can tell. We’re just gifted like that.

Tip: If you love her, tell her the truth. Granted, if you love her, you shouldn’t have anything damaging to reveal anyways… but, it happens. Even if she won’t like the answer, tell her the truth, the first time she asks. If she’s worth it… she’ll come around. Promise.

4. We have unrealistic expectations during conversations

You have made it through the entire day. You followed the first 3 suggestions with great focus all day long, when you find yourself sitting on the couch with your loved one. You smile to yourself as you notice her soft dimples in the candlelight. She is just so beautiful…. And then, she opens her mouth.

She goes on and on about what a backstabbing, conniving, brown nosing, witch Betty Sue Boo is at work. She had to work with her ALLLL day, and she nearly pulled her hair out! Listen, you tell yourself. You nod at all the appropriate times. You focus on precisely what she is saying. Finally, she reaches an end and snuggles into your chest. You wrap your arm lovingly around her as you whisper wise words of advice into her ear. (Input any words to offer a solution to the problem here)

Suddenly, she is going ape shit bonkers, nearly jumping on the couch, ranting about how you never listen to her. “What?!” You ask yourself. You have been listening to her for hours. You nearly missed the entire freaking game because you were listening to her. You even offered a solution to her problem, OBVIOUSLY, you were listening to her!

It is the simple difference between when we want you to fix something and when we just want you to listen. Which to us seems to be a very logical difference.

“Hunny, my car went splunk, klunk, splunkity, splunk today and was lurching all over,” would indicate that I would like you to fix my car, not just listen to my problem.

“The sink dripping insistently all night long kept me awake, I’m soooo tired. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the day!” Fix the sink, don’t just listen to the problem. Brownie points if you help with the kids that day too… just saying Men!

Sometimes, we just need to be listened to. Like for serious. No strings attached. We know that “the problem” is not really “A” problem. It just frustrated us. It drug down our day. It annoyed us, stressed us out, and got under our skin. We just want to rant for a moment and then it’s a done deal. Out of our minds until the next time Betty Sue Boo is a moron at work. Typically, we don’t want you to fix these problems. In fact, when you do offer to fix them it makes our problems feel belittled, in a sense. It’s as if you’d said, “if you’d just do what I advised you wouldn’t have the problem and could quit complaining already.” While this may be true. Well… it most likely is true. That is NOT what we need to hear right now. A simple, “man, what a rough day” will suffice.

And yes, we do have best friends for this. I love the man that complains, “why doesn’t my girlfriend just tell their friends about these problems, isn’t that what THEY are for?!” The answer wraps right back around to that level of intimacy that I was talking about earlier. Groping our bodies while we are attempting to make dinner, while fun and arousing, is not intimacy for us. Being there, whether it be by listening to us or simply knowing what we need, THAT is intimacy. THAT is love.

We’re all just people too. We have our own quirks. Our own individualities. Our own ways of handling the big bad world around us. We really aren’t that different from you. We just want to know we are loved. We just want to be understood. We just want to know you’ve got our backs no matter what.

We want you to get to know who we are, past our bra sizes, to what’s underneath, what’s in our hearts.

We all bleed the same pain. At the end of the day, we are all just the same….

THAT is the secret to understanding women.


Categories: 2015

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